I tend to spend almost every night intensively browsing the internet, whether that be Twitter, YouTube or Wikipedia, reading strange articles or watching people's videos until about 3am. I find a strange kind of happiness out of doing this (weird I know), but to me it feels like I'm in my own little cocoon where I read about nothingness and follow the lives of those who have no idea I exist. But tonight, I seem to of found myself watching YouTube videos, at midnight, of people giving advice to those in bad relationships, or to people who have found themselves in situations where its hard to say "No!".
I, personally, find these types of videos to be very close to my heart. Yes, I am only eighteen years of age, but I've also made a lot of mistakes, learnt a lot of lessons and been involved with the wrong people at the scariest of times. I love being able to give advice, sometimes I don't always know exactly what to say, but I love helping others in need, and if I've had to deal with a certain situation myself, then I'm more than welcome to assist others in breaking through and overcoming that same situation, as well.
Bad Relationships
I don't suppose many people are aware of this (which I guess is a pretty good thing), but in the year of 2012, I came across someone very scary who played a big part in my life. I was still very young at the time, at the age of just 16, I was in my final year of high school which also meant exams and what not. I got into a relationship with someone who was very different to my normal 'type', and as much as I thought I had truly got to know him, I really was very uneducated on his past.
About 4 months into our relationship, I found out he hadn't been all that faithful to me. I won't go into detail as to how I found out because it's very personal and at the time it completely destroyed me. As far as I knew, I'd never been lied to to that extent in a relationship before, so I had no idea how to react or what to think. Coincidently, I found out the day before valentines day, resulting in me wanting to end my relationship on valentines day, itself.
When it came to actually ending my relationship, I called him up, asked him to come to my house, and I did it face-to-face. However, it didn't quite go to plan, as he pretty much begged me for forgiveness, and me being me, I followed my heart and gave him that second chance.
Let's just say, he was nice for about 2/3 weeks after that, and then went back to his old ways. But by this point it was too late.
Another month or so had past, and I'd reached a point in my relationship where I had never been before in any other relationship. I was unhappy. Very, very unhappy. So unhappy that I constantly cried, at school, at home, in bed, and I spent 90% of my life sobbing on two very patient friend's shoulders. "So, why didn't you just leave" you ask me? Because I was insanely scared! By this point in my relationship, not only was the arsehole (to put it politely) I was with being unfaithful, but he was also being verbally and physically abusive. My thought process at the time was 'If he does this to me when he likes me, imagine what he'd ever do if I tried to end the relationship again and he decided he didn't like me???'
Eventually, after I found out he was once again seeing another girl behind my back, I picked up the courage to call it a day, and let that ship sink. Strangely, my heart didn't break as much as I thought it would, probably because he'd been continuously crushing my heart throughout the relationship.
Here's the part I want you to focus on. Once the relationship had fully ended, and I no longer had any contact with him, I felt a HUGE weight lifted off my shoulders. I felt free. I no longer had to worry about the way I dressed in case he didn't approve, I no longer had to worry about where I went and when, I no longer had to be scared of getting into an argument that would end with me being physically hurt. And it was such a relief.
Boundaries
Sadly, this wasn't the end, though. A few more months later, 'Arsehole' managed to get back in touch with me. He wanted to meet up, as friends, to apologise. Secretly, I was still slightly afraid of him, and was still too scared to say "No!", so I agreed to meet up, one time, as friends. It went surprisingly well, and so, stupid little me agreed to meet him again. (I now look back and realise how much of a mug I was!!!) However, second time round wasn't great. I was invited round his house in the evening, to my complete surprise, he made a move on me. Something I wasn't ready for. This was probably the first time I actually managed to say "No!" to him. But according to him, by saying "no", it meant I was 'boring', and he became rather forceful. I'm not going to sit here and make up something as devastating as rape or any kind of sexual abuse happened, because it didn't. That's not what I'm trying to get across here. And trust me, if I thought I was in that much of a dangerous situation I'd of got up and left his house. In my heart, I wanted him to want me, and so I thought that letting him do what he did, was 'ok'. The message I'm really trying to get across here, is that if you're not comfortable with something, you CAN say no!!
Very shortly after this incident, I ended it completely. I wasn't happy with where things were, and I knew that in the long run it would just end up like it did the first time round. He wasn't too pleased, as he decided to write ridiculous Facebook status' about me which can I just confirm are/were complete bullsh*t!!!
It's fair to say, I had an emotionally draining year that year, trying to juggle all of what I've just said, along with exams, leaving school, deciding what to do with my future, etc. But I made it through all the rough times, and now I'm so proud I managed to finally stand up for myself and say "goodbye" to someone that only made my life harder.
What I'm trying to say is, If you ever find yourself in a relationship, whether that be a friendship or a sexual relationship, where you don't feel comfortable or something's not right, leave as soon as you can! Two years on, and I haven't had another relationship since, sometimes in certain situations the memories still damage me slightly, but what I've learnt is that some people, you can not change, and it's not always your fault, no matter how much they try and make you believe that it is. When you love someone, it's difficult to say "no", because you loose sight of whats normal and what isn't normal, and people can become manipulative and controlling, don't let it get to that stage. And always remember, you can talk to someone and tell them if you feel something isn't quite right.
(I'm not saying I'm an angel, because lets be honest, nobodies perfect. But nobody deserves to be treated unfairly in relationships. Just to clarify, I haven't had contact with this person since January 2013, and I've been massively happier. )
